


what would i do?

by whatareuanacorn



Series: falsettos three part song fics - deh [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Last Part, M/M, Song fic, Three part series, based off falsettos, bit sad but please read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 08:17:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14637810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatareuanacorn/pseuds/whatareuanacorn
Summary: loves come and lovers go, lovers live and die, fortissimo





	what would i do?

**Author's Note:**

> this one starts at the same time as the last part but is in connors perspective in case that confused u lol

_what would i do_

_if i had not met you?_

 

connor sighs softly as he reaches over and wraps an arm around evan, tugging the younger into his side. 

the blonde tears his eyes away from the tv and looks up at his boyfriend, 

"yeah?" 

"nothing. wanted a cuddle." 

evan smiles softly and brings his legs up to his chest as he wraps both his arms around connor's torso. he tilts his head back and presses a kiss to connor's jawline, working his way up till he's pressing a kiss to connor's lips. 

when evan's lips part, connor pulls away. 

"just a cuddle. nothing more tonight." 

"okay."

"i'm so happy i know you."

 

_who would i blame my life on?_

 

"i love you." evan whispers and connor nods slightly, 

"i love you too." he sighs, tracing his fingers over the youngers cast lightly.

"i'm okay." 

 

_once i was told_

_that all men get what they deserve_

 

"i know. just thinking." 

"what about?" 

 

_who the hell then threw this curve?_

_there are no answers_

 

"we don't deserve this."

"deserve what?" 

"pain. neither of us do. especially you." 

"c'est la vie." 

"i knew something had happened to you, you know. i felt it. which sounds dramatic as hell but i really did, my chest felt heavy and i just  _knew_ something had gone wrong."

"maybe we're like, spiritually conjoined." evan laughs and connor chuckles softly, moving his hand from evan's cast to his hair, carding his fingers through the short blonde locks slowly. 

"you're my everything." 

 

_but who would i be_

_if you had not been my friend?_

"i don't know where i'd be without you." 

"sap." evan beams, resting his head on connor's chest. 

they sit in silence for a few minutes before evan speaks up. 

"can i ask you something?" 

"of course, baby." 

"besides everything that's gone on, how are you really? you know, mentally?"  

"honestly? i think i'm getting better, ev, i really think i am." 

"good. that's good." 

 

_you're the only one,_

_one out of a thousand others,_

_only one i would allow_  

 

"meeting you really helped me. you were the only person i let in." 

"i'm glad you let me in." 

"i love you." 

"i love you more." 

"that is physically impossible." 

"whatever, babe." evan chuckles, squeezing his boyfriend lightly. 

 

_where have you been?_

__where are you now?_ _

 

"things are going to get better, evan. i promise. you're going to get better." 

evan doesn't respond, he simple turns his head so his face is hiding in connor's sweatshirt.

connor doesn't push him. 

 

_what would i do_

_if i had not loved you?_

_how would i know what love is?_

_god only knows, too soon_

_i'll remember your faults_

_meanwhile, though, it's tears and schmaltz_

connor let's the tears roll down his face. he's crying silently, just holding evan against while the younger breathes softly. 

evan's phone buzzes on the coffee table a few seconds later, and he sighs dramatically as he let's go of connor to lean forward and pick it up. 

connor quickly dries his eyes.

"it's mum. she's bagged a couple of days off work and wants me to go home so we can spend time just the two of us." 

"oh, that's good! want me to drive you?" 

evan nods before looking back at connor, 

"you're crying." he states, 

"i just got emotional because i love you a lot. i'm okay, i promise."

 

_there are no answers._

_but what would i do_

_if you had not been my friend?_

 

"have a good couple of days, yeah? text me when you can." 

"i will. don't miss me too much." evan smirks as he presses a kiss to connor's lips.

 

_all your life you've wanted men,_

_and when you got it up to have them,_

_who knew it could end your life?_

 

"god, you're pretty. i'm so gay." 

"you're so lame. i'll see you friday, okay?" 

"yeah. friday. i love you."

"love you too, con."

 

_Do you regret-?_

 

as soon as connor gets home he feels sick to his stomach. 

of course heidi will look after her son, but she can't spend every minute with him like connor can. what if something happens at night or while heidi is focusing in something else. 

he can't breathe. 

 

"i don't want to belittle you, con, but i think you're maybe being a little bit dramatic. i understand the worry, i really do, but heidi will take care of him." zoe says calmly after connor frantically barged into her room and explained his thoughts. 

"you're right. i'm just... i'm so scared of losing him." 

"i know you are."

"i know he's gonna try again. i just know it."

 

_i'd do it again._

_i'd like to believe that i'd do it again_

_and again and again..._

 

evan texts him properly the following night. 

 

11:24 evan: lonely 

 

11:26 connor: talk to me xx

 

11:27 evan: it's a bit draining being with mum. she's more protective than u 

 

11:28 connor: she'll let up eventually. it must be hard on her

 

11:30 evan: i know it's just a bit much

 

11:31 connor: how are u doing?

 

11:32 evan: better, how are u? what have u been up to?

 

11:33 connor: studying, hanging with zoe, spoke to jared yesterday, missing you

 

11:34 evan: how's jar he's been kind of blank with me 

 

11:35 connor: honestly? he's really scared he's gonna lose u. he's worried he's gonna say something wrong 

 

11:36 evan: :( 

 

11:37 connor: i think we're all a bit like that in a way. it's difficult to gauge your reaction to certain things. we don't want to hurt you 

 

11:38 evan: it'll be fine soon 

 

__and,_ w _hat more can i say?__

connor dropped evan off on monday.

heidi rings him on wednesday.

"connor, honey, is ev back with you?" she asks him.

"no? why? what's wrong?" 

"he's not here. he's left everything here except... except his pills. oh god, connor, my baby." she chokes out and connor shoots off his bed,

"it's okay, di, it's okay. how longs he been gone?" 

"he told me he was going for a nap about an hour ago but he's not here." 

"okay. okay. i'll find him."

 

_how am i to face tomorrow?_

 

connor's insides feel like they're twisting.

 

_yes, i'd beg or steal or borrow_

_if i could hold you for_

_one hour more_

 

his hands are shaking.

 

_one hour more_

 

he runs 3 red lights. 

 

_one hour more_  

 

he can hear his blood pounding in his ears. 

 

_one hour more_

 

he prayers to a god he isn't sure he believes in. 

he falls to his knees and prayers.

 

_one hour, one hour more_

evan is pronounced dead on the scene. slumped against a tree in the old abandoned orchard.

 

_what would i do_

 

zoe picks connor up from the hospital. she cries at the sight of him. 

 

_what would i do_

he tells the doctors he has to be the one to tell evan's mum. she sobs into his shoulder.

 

_if i had not seen you?_

 

he should have never let evan out of his sight.

 

_once i was told_

_that good men get better with age_

_were just gonna skip that stage_

 

connor cries at night, thinking of the future they missed out on.

evan had such a big future.

 

_there are no answers._

___but what would i do_ _ _

__if you hadn't been my friend?_ _

 

he speaks at the funeral. 

everyone stares at him in awe, eyes shining. 

they realise how much evan changed him.

 

_there are no answers_

_but what would i do_

 

"i wasn't human before i met evan. i was a shell of something i should have been. when we first met, i felt alive. he made me feel like i was here for a reason, i'd never felt that before. i fell in love quickly, and it was incredible, from drunken kisses, to late night 'i love you's, evan gave me a reason. i still have a reason, even now he's gone, because i've been in talks with the city council, and over the next year or so, we'll be reopening the orchard. evan's passion was trees, and although he lost his life there, i want to do this for him. i want my boyfriend to live on in the place he adored so much. i'm not quite sure how i'm going to get through this, but doing something for him will help. i want to show him i have the capability of doing something important, because he was the first person to have faith in me." 

a deep breath.

 

_no simple answers_

_but what would i do_

___if you had not been m_ _y_ friend_ _

 

"evan, you know i don't believe in heaven, but if you're out there, anywhere, i love you. i will always love you. you are the reason i'm here. i'm sorry i couldn't be the same for you. be safe, my love." 

 

_homosexuals_

_women with children_

_short insomniacs_

_we're a teeny tiny band_

 

zoe holds connor in the car on the way home, while jared sits on his left, holding the taller boys hand. 

 

_lovers come and lovers go_

 

a year later connor is standing in the orchard, jared and zoe either side of him, one of their hands in each of his.

"he'd love this." zoe sighs softly, watching as children run around, weaving between the trees. 

"he'd be so proud of you. you did this, con. you did all of this." 

"i'm glad we made other people happy." connor sighs. 

 

_lovers live and die fortissimo_

 

connor is found on a park bench on the other side of the city the following night, a empty pill bottle in his pocket and a smashed vodka bottle at this feet. 

 

_this is where we take a stand_

_welcome to falsettoland_

**Author's Note:**

> WELL THATS THAT


End file.
